From the
JOKIN' AROUND DISK
by
LEEJAN ENTERPRISES
P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
South Australia. 5159.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I joined the German club in high school. We were a small organization until
we annexed the French club ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Worlds Great Religions Interpret the Philosophy "Shit Happens"
Taoism - Shit happens.
Confucianism - Confucius say, "Shit happens."
Buddhism - If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen - What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism - This shit happened before.
Islam - Shit happens by the will of Allah
Protestantism - Let shit happen to someone else.
Catholicism - If shit happens, it's your fault.
Judiasm - Why does shit keep happening to us?
Paganism - Shit happens and it's great fertilizer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One's a scum-sucking, bottom-feeding scavenger, and the other's a fish.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mommy, mommy, I don't wanna visit Grandma!"
"Shut up and keep digging ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mommy, mommy, I don't like drag racing!"
"Shut up and hang on to the bumper ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mommy, mommy, I hate my sister's guts!"
"Shut up and eat what's on your plate ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you here about the Ethiopian who fell into the alligator pond? He ate
three before they got him out ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call Ethiopians with big feet?
A: Golf clubs.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do Yoko Ono and Ethiopians have in common?
A: They both live off dead beetles.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One night two vampire buddies were feeling hungry. One said to the other,
"What do you feel like? Chinese?" The other said, "No, not filling enough."
"Mexican?" "No, too spicy." "Italian?" "Sounds good ..." So they flew
around until they found an Italian, came right down on him, and drank him
dry. But they had to get rid of the body, so they flew out over a swamp and
dropped the dead Italian in the murky waters. The next night, same thing.
"Hungry?" "Yes." "Chinese?" "No." "Mexican?" "No" "Italian?" "Yes." They
found another one and drank him dry. Afterwards, they flew the body over
the same swamp, and dropped him. As they were flying away, one of the
vampires said to the other, "Do you hear that singing?" "I don't hear any
singing," replied the other. So they put the incident behind them and kept
on flying. The next night same thing. "Hungry?" "Yes." "Chinese?" "No."
"Mexican?" "No." "Italian?" "Yes." They found another Italian, drank him
dry, fly the body over the same swamp, and dropped it. But this time as
they flew away they both heard the singing, so they went back to check it
out. They flew down and there, sitting on a rock in the center of the swamp,
was an alligator singing "Drained wops keep falling on my head ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One sunday, a Mother Superior was walking in the convent garden when she
saw a young novice surrounded by pigeons shouting, "Fuck off! Fuck off!"
"Sister!" the Mother Superior said sharply, "There is no need for such
language. All you have to do is say, 'Shoo, shoo,' and they'll fuck off."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Seven Dwarfs were having an audience with the pope when Dopey raised
his hand and said, "Excuse me? Your Holiness?" The pope said, "Yes, my son?
What can I do for you?" Dopey said, "Are there nuns at the North Pole?" The
pope give it some thought and finally said, "No, I don't believe there are.
It's very cold at the North Pole." A little later in the audience, Dopey
raised his hand again. "Your Holiness, I have another question." "Yes, my
son, what is it?" "Do you have nuns at the south pole?" asked Dopey. "Well,
it's much colder there than it is at the North pole," said the pope. "I
don't believe we have any clergy there." Dopey's face fell. "Oh," he said.
Then, from the back of the room, came a little voice: "Dopey fucked a
penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
St. Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a stroll. He
soon noticed that the fence between Heaven and Hell was in need of repair.
So St. Peter leaned over the fence and yelled at Lucifer, "This fence needs
to be repaired! I'll see to it that you help pay for it ..." Lucifer
replied, "If you want it fixed -YOU- pay for it!" St. Peter replied "The
fence is your responsiblity too. You help pay for it, or I will sue you."
Lucifer laughed "Ha! Where do you think -YOU- are going to get a lawyer?!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know how to tell when a family of flamingoes has moved into the
house next door?
A: They decorate the lawn with plastic mexicans.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One cold winter day, a polack decided to go ice fishing. After setting up
his shack, he started chipping through the ice. Suddenly, he heard a booming
voice say, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The polack looks around, but
saw no one. He continued chipping away at the ice. Again he heard, "THERE
ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Looking around, the petrified polack still saw
no one. He shouted, "Is that you, God?" The booming voice responded, "THIS
IS THE ARENA MANAGER ... THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A city dude walked into a cowboy bar with a cat under one arm, a six shooter
on his hip and a bucket of shit in one hand. He walked up to the bar and
set down the cat and the bucket. "May I please have a beer," he said to the
bartender. So the bartender gave the dude a draft. The dude proceeded to
take a big swig, set down the glass, pick up the cat, bite off its left ear,
pull a sixgun and -BANG!!!- shoot a hole in the bucket of shit. Even in the
fly-bitten, dusty, trail bar that was something new - the bartender couldn't
believe what he saw! The dude took another gulp of brew, bit off the cat's
right ear, pulled the gun and -BANG!!!- shot the bucket of shit again.
The bartender was astounded! The dude took a third swig of beer, picked up
the cat, bit off it's tail, pulled the gun and -BANG!!!- he put a third hole
in the shit bucket. The bartender had to say something. "Hey, you, green-
horn!" he yelled, "What in tarnation do you think you're doin?" The dude
replied "Well, my good man, I want to be like you rough and tumble fron-
tiersmen: I came to this fine emporium to drink beer, shoot shit and eat
pussy ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why is it easier for men to sleep on their sides, than women?
A: They have kick stands.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A priest and a rabbi, long time friends, were having lunch together one day.]
Downing a forkful of fish, the priest asked the rabbi, "Sam, in all your
entire life, do you mean to tell me that you have never ONCE tasted pork? Be
honest with me!" The rabbi answered, "Well, Pat, since you ask me: Once,
back when I was a young man, I was with some friends when we were served
some bacon and eggs. I had a taste of bacon at that time." "Aha! So you see
what you've been missing!?" "But you? Pat, did you ever, ever, have sex
with a woman?" "Well, it was back when I was a newly ordained priest. I
had a beautiful, young parishioner who approached me with troubles. One
thing led to another, and we ended up having sex together." "Better than
pork, isn't it?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do we know that Eve was the first computer operator?
A: 'Cause she had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One sunday a drunk staggered into a church while Mass was going on. The
priest couldn't help but notice him bumping into one pew after another as
he made his way down the side aisle. The drunk finally made it to to con-
fessional and closed the door. After mass the priest took his position on
the other side of the confessional. The drunk sat silently for about 5
minutes. Realizing that he would have to break the silence, the priest
asked "Can I help you, my son?" Startled, the drunk replied, "HUH? Oh
yeah, do you have any paper on your side?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
1st Polack: What would you do if you found a million dollars?
2nd Polack: If it belonged to a poor person, I'd return it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One night a drunk stopped a cab and asked the cabbie, "Do you have room (hic)
for three six-packs (hic) and a large pizza?" "Yeah, buddy, sure do," replied
the cabbie. So the drunk threw up in the back seat.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Coach: Hoss, we're short on players. Do you think you can pass this football?
Aggie: Yeah, coach, I think ah kin if ah kin swallow it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Norwegian, an Irishman and a German were sentenced to be electrocuted.
First, the Irishman was strapped in the chair and the switch was pushed.
Nothing happened, so the Irishman was freed. Same thing happened to the
German. As the Norwegian was lead into the room, the prison guard remarked,
"Sure has been a lucky day for those two guys." Said the Norwegian, "Vell
I should say so, becoss I can see the plug has come out of the socket under
the chair."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does it take three Cajuns to eat a possum?
A: Because it requires two just to look out for cars.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't Irishman watch Johnny Carson/The Tonight Show?
A: Because none of them can stay sober past 10:30.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't yuppers watch the Gong Show?
A: Because it's too intellectual.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage Counselor: You say you are having marital problems. Do you have
mutual climax?
Polack: No ... our insurance is with State Farm.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
After twenty years, the aggie finally graduated from college. Deciding to
put his hard won knowledge into use, he started raising chickens. The first
week he went to the hatchery and bought 200 chicks. The next week he came
back and bought 200 more. The third week, the same thing. Curious, the
hatchery man asked why the aggie came in every week to order 200 more
chicks. "Wahl," drawled the aggie, "Something seems to be wrong. Either ahm
planting them too deep - or too close together ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman sat in a pub drinking beer all afternoon. The bartender was
getting concerned because the Irishman hadn't gotten up. Finally, after
his 5th pitcher of beer, the Irishman got up very slowly and headed for
the back door. The bartender followed him to the alley where the Irishman
prepared to relieve himself. "Hey!" shouted the bartender, "You can't do
that in here!" "I'm not gonna do it HERE," slurred the Irishman, "I'm
gonna do it waaa-aaay over there ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly man decided to march to the altar at the ripe old age of 85 with
a shapely young thing just out of high school. His friends cautioned him
about the health hazard involved, saying that the exertion of his wedding
night could prove to be fatal. "Well," said the old man, "that's a chance
I'll have to take ... If she dies, she dies."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Judge: You've been brought here for drinking!
Irishman: Swell! Let's get started.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The rich ex-aggie reluctantly sent his son to Rice. In his first year the
son got a girl in trouble, so the fast thinking lad sent his dad a letter,
saying that a professor at Rice could teach Ol' Yeller to talk for $1,000.
Impressed, the ex-aggie sent the money and Ol' Yeller to his son. A few
months later, the son committed the same indiscretion so he wrote his dad
a letter, saying the professor wanted to teach the dog to read. Again the
ex-aggie came through with the money. At the end of the year, the rich ex-
aggie met his son at the backyard heliport. Lo and behold, there was the
son, but no Ol' Yeller! "Where's thuh dawg, son?" inquired the rich Texan.
"Yah know, Paw," said the son, "two nights ago Ol' Yeller and I were having
a chat while he was reading thuh paper. I said it sure would be good to come
bak home, and Ol' Yeller said 'Yeah, I miss the ranch too.' And he said he
wondered if the old man was still fooling around with the French maid. And
you know, Paw, I got so mad at that remark that I reached over and choked
that old dawg. Before I could control myself, Ol' Yeller had died." Quickly
the ex-aggie leaned forward and anxiously whispered in his son's ear, "Are
you sure that dawg is dead, son?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour
a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. Mac-
Dougal said, "Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it
through my kidneys first?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The polack got married and on his wedding night the bride disrobed and
suggested he 'get aboard.' The bride was asleep by the time the polack
got back from the lumberyard.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three yuppers were discussing their preferences in female company. The
first one extolled the attractions of Marilyn Monroe. The second said that
only Raquel Welch could possibly be ideal for him. The third yupper pro-
tested that while Marilyn and Raquel had their good points, he would have
to hold out for Virginia Pippaleeny. "Who is she?" the first two yuppers
asked. "Well," said the third yupper, "I read about her in da paper today,"
as he held up the newspaper headline reading "SIX MEN DIE LAYING VIRGINIA
PIPELINE."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
In Warsaw there's a neighborhood improvement project going on. They're
building diving boards over the cesspools.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One night the local lothario took out the one girl nobody had gotten to
before. On the way back from dinner he took a detour to the lover's lane.
After parking he turned to her and said, "Hey, you ever seen a prick?" The
girl got all wide-eyed and asked, "No, what's a prick?" "I'll show you,"
said the lothario as he unzipped and whipped out his pride and joy. "THAT
is a prick," he said proudly. "Oh," said the girl, "it's just like a cock,
only smaller."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man in Paris was arrested and charged with fucking a dead woman. He hired a
good lawyer and managed to get released. His lawyer convinced the judge that
the man didn't know the woman was dead, he thought she was British.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three old nuns, back from long missions to primitive lands, were walking
along the street and one was describing with her hands the tremendous coco-
nuts she'd seen in the South Pacific. The second on, also with her hands,
described the huge bananas she'd seen in Central America. The third nun,
a little deaf, asked, "Father Who?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three nuns stopped at the holy water on their way into a church. The first
nun said, "I have to rinse my eyes with holy water because I looked at a
penis." The second nun said "I have to wash my hands because I actually
TOUCHED a man's penis." Whereupon the third nun said "Move over sisters,
I've got to gargle".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a grade school teacher asked her students what their parents did for
a living. "Tim," she said, "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up
and said proudly, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you Amy?"
said the teacher. Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet, and said, "My
father is a mailman." "Thank you Amy. What about your father Ernie?" said
the teacher. Dirty Ernie jumped up and proudly announced "My father plays
piano in a whorehouse!" The teacher was shocked and promptly changed the
subject to geography. Later that day she went to Dirty Ernie's house and
rang the bell. Ernie Senior answered the door. The teacher explained what
his son had said and demanded an explanation. Ernie Senior replied, "I'm
actually a lawyer, but how can you explain a thing like that to a seven
year old?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One sunday the Mother Superior called all the nuns together. "You know,"
she said, "I found a used condom in the here last night." All the nuns were
surprised, except one. They went, "Uhhhhh?" She went "Hee hee hee." The
Mother Superior continued, "That means there was a man here last night."
"Uhhhhh?" said the nuns. "Hee hee hee," went the lone nun. Again the Mother
Superior continued "You all know that's against the rules." Again all the
went "Uhhhhh?" Again the lone nun laughed. Finally, the MOther Superior
concluded, "And worst of all, the condom has a hole in it." All the nuns
went 'Hee hee hee!' while the lone nun said "Uhhhhh?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young nun at a convent had one too many sexual indiscretions, and turned up
pregnant. Scared, she told no one of this, and was thankful that the order
she belonged to wore loose, floor-length habits that would keep her secret
safe, possibly right up until the birth. And so it did, and upon the evening
when the contractions started, she rushed down into the basement, hoping that
no one would hear either her own moaning, or the cries of the newborn child.
After the birth, panic set in; she didn't know WHAT she should do with the
baby. If she were found with the child, she would be thrown out of the
order, with no place for food or shelter. Knowing that the Mother Superior
was a wise woman, and also having no other options, she placed the baby in a
basket, and quietly crept into the sleeping Mother's room in the pre-dawn
hours. She left the baby, and silently exited the sleeping chambers. At
sunrise, the Mother Superior awakened, and heard the baby as it was just
waking from a nap. She quickly looked over the side of her bed, at the child
in the basket, fell back in her bed with a sorrowful look, and dejectedly
sighed, "Oh, God! You can't even trust your own finger any more!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just before the big wedding day a groom's friends decided to throw him a
stag party. After many drinks, a naked girl jumped out of the big cake
and started dancing with the groom. The inebriated groom soon fell and broke
his woody on the floor. His buddies rushed him to the hospital where a
doctor examined the groom's injury. The doctor concluded that the groom had,
in layman's terms, fractured his penis. "Doc! Doc! That can't be true! I'm
getting married tommorow; what about my honeymoon?" "Well Mr. Smith, the
only thing that I can do is splint it. The swelling should go down in a
couple of days." And the doctor proceeded to take four tongue depressors,
placing one on each side of the groom's now crooked penis, and taped
around the whole affair to keep it all in place. The next day, the wedding
went off without a hitch. When the newlyweds got to the hotel that night,
the groom quickly excused himself into the bathroom. After an hour, he
finally emerged from the bathroom with his pajama bottoms on - he still
was not sure what to say. As he entered the bedroom he was greeted by the
sight of his new bride lying spread eagled on the bed. "Here you go
sweetheart," she cooed, "Pure untouched virgin wool - Unseen by any man
except you." "You think yours is new," he said whipping off his pajama
bottoms, "Mine is so new it's still in the crate!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many critters can you find in a pair of panty hose?
A: Ten little piggies, two calves, one ass and one beaver - they're still
looking for the fish.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's been so long since I had any, the crack of dawn makes me horny.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you know there was a book written about the leper navy? It's called
"All Hands On Deck."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was golfing, and everything was going the usual way for his game, when
he came to the 16th hole and had a hole in one! As he reached in the hole
to get his ball, out came a genie. The genie said "I grant you one wish."
The man didn't take long to make his request, "I'd like to have the the
biggest cock in the world." POOF! His cock became so long that it drug
behind him two feet. He was so stunned by this that he couldn't go on with
his golf game. He went back to the clubhouse dragging his cock behind him.
Everyone in the clubhouse stared at him as he made his way to see the pro.
"Look what happened to me on the 16th hole!" he yelled at the club pro.
After explaining to the pro what had caused his elongated 'putter,' the
golfer asked the pro what he thought he could do to remedy the situation.
"Why don't you take this bucket of balls and go back to the 16th hole and
try to get another hole-in-one. Maybe then you'll get the genie back and
he can help you." So off the golfer went to the 16th hole. After hours of
hitting balls and not even coming close to getting a hole-in-one, lightning
finally struck twice. Just as the golfer reached in to retrieve his golf
ball, out popped the genie. "Don't tell me," said the genie, "I think I
know what you want this time. You want your cock shrunk back to normal,
right?" "No!" the golfer replied, "I want you to make my legs longer!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A yuppie was driving his BMW on a windy mountain road when an oncoming car
took a turn wide and clipped the left side of his car. His arm, which had
been hanging out the window, was cut off. The yuppie stopped, jumped from
his car and began screaming, "My BMW! My BMW!" A passing trucker stopped
to help and noticed the yuppie's laments. "Hey buddy!" the trucker shouted,
"Can't you see your arm's been torn off?" The yuppie paused, noticed the
trucker was correct and began shouting, ""My Rolex! My Rolex!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"To do, is to be." - Socrates
"To be, is to do." - Sartre
"Do-be-do-be-do." - Sinatra
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He
was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had
arrived to see him. "Show him right in!" the lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was
being ushered in the lawyer had an idea. He quickly picked up the phone and
shouted into it "... and you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty
thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!"
Slamming the phone down, he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones, "Good Morning,
what can I do for you?" "I'm from the phone company" Mr. Jones replied,
"I'm here to connect your phone."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My favorite answer to 'Were you sleeping?' is "That's okay, I had to get up
to answer the phone anyway."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man approached a stunning blonde at a party. After introducing himself and
engaging in some friendly conversation, he asked her, "Would you be willing
to sleep with me for ten thousand dollars?" The woman was taken aback by the
question, but after a few minutes' thought replied, "Yes, I think I would."
The man then asked her, "Well then, would you sleep with me for fifty
dollars?" The woman was shocked and replied indignantly, "What do you
think I am?!" "We've established that," the man said, "Now we're negotiating
the price!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's 6.9?
A: A good time interrupted by a period.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do elephants have red balls?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.
Q: What's the most horrible sound in the jungle?
A: Girraffes eating cherries.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the turn of the century, a cowboy was riding across the New Mexico desert
heading for Phoenix. He rode over a hill and saw an Indian lying on the
ground, naked with a hard on. Being a curious type, the cowboy rode over to
the Indian and asked just what he was doing. The Indian replied, "Me tellum
time." The cowboy was doubtful that the Indian could really tell the time,
so he asked, "What time is it?" The Indian replied that it was 10:05 in the
morning. The cowboy pulled out his pocket watch and sure enough it was
exactly 10:15! The stunned could do nothing but continue his ride west.
That afternoon the cowboy saw another Indian lying on the ground, naked with
a hard on. He rode up and asked "Injun, what are you doing laying there on
the ground?" The second Indian replied, "Me tellum time." The cowboy was
sure that this one was lying, but to humor him he said, "Okay, what time is
it?" The second indian said was about 3:45 in the afternoon. The cowboy
again looked at his pocket watch and sure enough it was exactly 3:45!
The now incredulous cowboy continued his ride west. Near sunset the cowboy
spied yet another Indian laying on his back. But this third indian was
vigorously masturbating. The cowboy rode up to him and said "I know you
ain't telling the time, so just what in tarnation do you think you're
doing?" The third Indian replied, "Me no tellum time - me windum clock!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a very cold dwarf with a hard-on?
A: A frigid midget with a frigid digit.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three travelling salesmen had car trouble out in Kansas, so they walked to
a farmer's house. "The nearest gas station with a phone is 50 miles from
here," said the farmer, "but you can stay tonight in the guest room - just
don't stick your dicks in the three holes your bathroom wall." The salesmen
agreed, and went to their room. That night curiosity got the better of them.
The first salesman went for it. "Wow, this is great! It's the best I've
ever had!" moaned the first salesman. Hearing this, the second guy stepped
up next to the first and stuck his dick in the second hole. After a few
strokes, the second salesman said, "It's not great, but better than
nothin'." Hearing this the third salesman had to check things out for
himself. The third salesman had no sooner stuck his dick in the third hole
than he began screaming uncontrollably. In less than a minute, the farmer
burst into their room. The first salesman asked the farmer what was in the
holes."Well," replied the farmer, "the first one is my daughter, the second
one is my cow, and the third one is my milking machine - but don't worry,
it cuts off after 55 gallons ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is a vagina?
A: It's the box a penis comes in.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is a Kotex?
A: A manhole cover.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
On their wedding night, Bob and Alice were in the honeymoon suite getting
undressed for the big occiasion. Bob turned to Alice and said, "I have to
be honest with you sweetheart, I have never done this before" Alice replied
"Don't worry Bob; I'll guide you through it." So Alice laid on the bed and
parted her legs. Pointing to her womanhood, Alice told Bob to insert his
penis here when it gets hard. Bob looked at Alice, and said, "No way! My
grandmother told me to stay away from those things 'cause they got teeth
and they bite!" Alice laughed, and said, "Oh, they do not! Here, take a
real close look. Do you see any teeth in there?" Bob got real close and
took a long, hard, look. Lifting his head, he replied, "Of course there's
no teeth in there, what did you expect with those rotten gums?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
INDOOR GOLF
1. Each player will furnish is own equipment for play, normally one club
and two balls.
2. The course to be played must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
Course owners are permitted to check the stiffness of the shaft
before play begins.
5. Course owners have the right to restrict the length of the club in
order to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the owner is satisfied. Failure to do so may result in being denied
permission to play the course again.
7. It is normally considered bad form to begin playing the hole
immediately upon arriving at the course. The experienced player will
usually admire the entire course, with special attention to the well
formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention any other courses they have
played. Upset owners have been know to damage players' equipment for
this reason.
9. Players should assure themselves that the match has been properly
scheduled - especially on a course being played for the first time.
Previous players have been known to get irate if they find someone
else playing what they considered their own private course.
10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape for play at
all times. Some owners may be embarrassed if their course is
temporarily under repair. The player is advised to use tact in
this determination. More advanced players will find alternate
means of play when this is the case.
11. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
the same hole several times in one match.
12. Course owners shall be the judge as to who is the best player. It
is considered bad form for a player to reveal his score, or even
that he even played the course, to other players. Players who have
contracted for exclusive rights to play a private course are
cautioned that information reaching the owner that the player
has played some other course, may result in the contract being
canceled and a suit for damages instituted.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A polish couple got married. On their wedding night they couldn't figure
out how to have sex. So the woman said to her husband, "Dear, go to the
doctor tomorrow and ask him how we can have sex." The next day the polack
went to the doctor and said, "Doc, how do my wife and I have sex?" The
doctor told him, "Son, I want you to go home and stick the longest thing
you've got up the hairiest thing she's got." That night the polack went
home and practiced what the doctor recommended - he stuck his nose up her
armpit.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An aggie decided to celebrate his latest gusher by going to the nearest bar.
When he walked in, the aggie noticed a stunning young woman at the end of
the bar; he asked the bartender to send her a drink. The bartender warned
the aggie, "You don't want to get involved with her." "Why not?" said the
aggie. "Because she's a Lesbian!" the bartender said. "That don't bother
me!" exclaimed the aggie as he made his way to young woman's table. Taking
a seat, he asked her, "So, what part of Lesbia are you from?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do Mexican cars have small steering wheels??
A: So they can drive them with handcuffs on.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Having just finished his meal, the restaraunt customer was eagerly looking
forward to enjoying a good cup of coffee before he left. As the waiter
returned from the kitchen, the customer noticed that the waiter was holding
the cup in such a way that his thumb curled over the rim of the cup and was
actually submerged in the brew. The customer was irate, exclaiming, "What
the hell are you doing with your thumb in my coffee?!" The waiter looked
surprised, and somewhat embarassed, and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but I have
arthritis in my thumb - really bad, you see - and I wasn't even conscious
of having my thumb in your coffee. The warmth, you see, makes it feel SO
much better and ..." The customer cut the babbling waiter off, "If it's
warmth you want, why don't you just stick your thumb up your ass?!" The
waiter replied, "Oh, I do - when I'm in the kitchen!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a man was playing golf by himself. He hit a tee shot into a sand
trap. While looking for his ball, he unearthed an antique lamp. He dusted
it off and a genie appeared. With a raised hand, the golfer stopped the
genie, saying, "I don't want anything. I'm happy with life as it is." No
matter what the genie said, the golfer could not be convinced to make even
one wish. The golfer played on, but the genie, having much experience in
these matters, knew what every man wants. The genie gave the golfer health,
wealth and a great sex life. A year later, the same man hit his golf ball
into the same sand trap. Looking for his ball, he again found the lamp.
As soon as the golfer picked up the lamp, the genie appeared. The man again
stopped the genie. The genie said, "Then, sir, please grant ME a wish and
answer some questions." The golfer agreed. "How is your health?" asked the
genie. "Unusually good this past year," said the man. Feeling better, the
genie asked, "How about your finances?" "I won the lottery several months
ago," said the golfer. "Excellent!" beamed the genie, "And how is your
love life?" "Not that it is any of your business," said the man, "But I
get it about twice a week." "Is that all?" asked the disappointed genie.
"Well," said the golfer, "I don't know about you, but I think that is
pretty darn good for a priest in a small parish!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why were there only 5000 Mexicans at the Alamo?
A: Thats all that they could fit in the back of the pick-up truck.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does P.M.S. really stand for?
A: Punish the Male Species.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP TEN MOTHER'S DAY GIFTS AVAILABLE IN TIMES SQUARE
10. Rolling pin vibrator
9. "World's Greatest Mom" crack pipe
8. A lovely silk robe shoplifted from Saks
7. Videocassette of the movie "Danish Moms"
6. A guy who'll do anything for fifty bucks
5. Necklace of human ears
4. Car stereo (with minor crowbar damage)
3. Combination brass knuckes/cheese slicer
2. Gift certificate good for one brutal beating
1. Inflatable Dad
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
PENNY'S LAW
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people
all of the time, but you can't fool Mom.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the DA drop the charges against Pee Wee Herman?
A: He couldn't get it to stand up in court ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How did copper wire get invented?
A: Two jews got it a fight over a penny.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do blondes always poof their hair up so high?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do historians know Abe Lincoln was Jewish?
A: Because he was shot in the temple.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time Little Red Riding Hood decided to visit her grandmother.
Red took a basket with everything she needed and set out on her trip through
the forest. While she was happily skipping along the forest trail, she came
across a very friendly squirrel. When the squirrel learned that she was on
her way to see her grandmother, the squirrel said, "But you have to be very,
very careful! The Big Bad Wolf is looking for you and he says that he will
lick your titties! Little Red told the squirrel, "I'm not afraid, besides, I
have a gun in my basket!" A little further down the trail, Red came across a
rabbit. The rabbit told her the same thing. "Don't go to your grandmothers
house, because the Big Bad Wolf will be waiting for you and he wants to lick
your titties!" Little Red told the rabbit, "I'm not afraid, besides, I have
a gun in my basket!" Little Red Riding Hood skipped on down the forest trail.
When she got to her grandmother's house she met the Big Bad Wolf. He said,
"Hello there, Red! I'm glad you are here, because I'm going to lick your
titties!" Little Red looked bravely at the Big Bad Wolf and said, "I have a
gun in my basket, your not going to lick my titties! You are going to do like
the book said and you are going to EAT ME!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do blondes stick their heads out the windows of moving cars?
A: To refuel their heads.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did the blonde say when her boyfriend blew in her ear?
A: Thanks for the refill.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
MORE OXYMORONS
... helicopter with an ejection seat.
... submarine with a screen door.
... solar powered nightlight.
... condom with air holes.
... government efficiency.
... infatable dart board.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yesterday I looked out my backyard into my neighbor's backyard and I saw a
penguin walking around the yard. So, I called my neighbor and said, "Do you
know that you have a penguin in your back yard?" He said, "Yes, I know; what
do you think I should do about it?" I said, "Why don't you take it to the
zoo." The next day I looked out my backyard again and the penguin was still
in my neighbor's backyard, so I called him up again and said, "Hey, I thought
you took that penguin to the zoo?" He said, "I did, and we had so much fun
that today I am taking him to the beach ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A preacher was giving a lecture on temperance to an unruly audience in an
Old West mining camp. "Look," he said, "I put a worm in a glass of water
and it's still alive. I put another worm in a glass of alcohol and it died
right away. What does that tell you?" "Easy," responded a voice from the
back, "If you don't want worms, drink liquor!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do two hardware technicians insult each other?
A: "Your motherboard!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear that Oscar Meyer signed Jeffrey Dahmer to an endorsement deal?
He sings a lunchtime song on the way to the fridge: "My bologna has a first
name, it's R-O-G-E-R. My bologna has a second name it's ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a cheap male prostitute with no arms or legs?
A: Humphrey.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
7 MOST IMPORTANT MEN IN A WOMEN'S LIFE
Doctor, because he says, "Take off all your clothes."
Dentist, because he says, "Open wide."
Milkman, because he says, "Do you want it in front or back?"
Hairdresser, because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
Interior decorator, because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it."
Banker, because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."
Engineer, because he says, "Don't worry, I'll stretch it to fit."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How did Pee-Wee Herman die?
A: He had a stroke.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
President Bush called Dan Quayle into his office. Bush said, "Dan, I want
you to go on a fact finding mission to Central America." "Ok," Dan replied.
So, Dan went back to his office and said to his secretary, "Will you please
book me a flight to Ohio?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is said that woman is the greatest thing that God ever created; then why
did he have to give her a mouth and ruin it all?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you know when you walk into a gay church?
A: Only half the men are kneeling.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you screw a fat chick?
A: Flip through the folds of fat until you find the one that smells like
shit, then go back one.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dirty Ernie had been picking up some bad language by hanging out at the
construction site down the street. His mother was very upset by this and
asked Ernie Senior to reprimand him. "I heard you've been using some pretty
bad language son," said Ernie Senior, "Go get me a switch." Dirty Ernie
replied, "Fuck you, thats the electrician's job!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fred was worried about going to the doctor for an examination. He wasn't
looking forward to the prostate exam so he asked a friend, Bob, who had
recently had one, what it was like. "Not that bad," said Bob, "The doctor
asked me to drop my pants and bend over the table. Then he put his hand on
my hip and stuck this long ... Hey! He had both hands on my hips ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION PLEASE!
1. Make a fist out of your hand
2. Loosen it a little
Q: What do you get?
A: Pee-Wee's Playhouse.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Scotsman took a hot Irish babe out in a taxi. She was so good looking that
he could hardly keep his eyes on the meter.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did God make man first?
A: Because he didn't want to be told how to do it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you tell if a woman is wearing underwear?
A: See if there is any dandruff on her shoes.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I heard the other day that Buddha walked up to a hotdog stand and asked if
they could make him One with Everything.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a posi-
tion as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was
interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How
much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of
measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and
announcing, "Four." The physicist was interviewed next, and was asked the
same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself,
made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consulta-
tion with the United States Bureau of Standards, and many calculations, he
also announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the
same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last
question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to
see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and
asked, "How much do you want it to be?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of
Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the
same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to
his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that
found in a low-grade Motel 6-type establishment. The lawyer was then
taken to his room, which was a palacial suite including a private
swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The
attorney was somehwat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really
quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such
small accomodations." St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes
here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?
A: No.
Reply: Good!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From the
JOKIN' AROUND DISK
by
LEEJAN ENTERPRISES
P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
South Australia. 5159.